the new years cheers sounded like screams through the door [entries|friends|calendar] rebecca [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[08 Dec 2004|11:33pm] wow i was a fag, huh? 2 dying in new brunswick

)!)!*$)*!$*$ [30 Aug 2004|02:04am] and he asked me out!!!! tonight!!!! yes!! dying in new brunswick

[31 May 2004|09:09pm] [ mood | !###### ] oh wait! wow! you're a jerk! don't ever talk to me ever again! you're a LIAR!! to hell with you! FUCK YYYOU! 7 dying in new brunswick

RRROAR [31 May 2004|09:07pm] [ mood | VERY WELL ] oh snap son! i finally figured out how to get the stupid emo filter off steph's camera, so now it actually takes pictures in NORMAL light so it doesn't make everything yellow/green. it was making my teeth yellow and that was pissing me off. okay yay look! I LOOK LIKE AN OSTRICH! ( stupid pictures of me ) OKAY I'M DUMB BYE! PS: PHOTOBUCKET YOU KEEP MAKING MY PICTURES BLURY AND I DON'T LIKE IT, SO STOP. 4 dying in new brunswick

audio post [31 May 2004|03:29am] audio post powered by audblog 9 dying in new brunswick

parrrrrty. [30 May 2004|09:14pm] [ mood | tired/sad/blah ] ( a lot of pictures from today ) yeah so anyway, i'm a little angry that mike didn't call me. i didn't want to goto the beach, and i don't want to ever talk to him again, but he should have called since he made plans with me. i really am starting to hate him, and i have never hated anyone in my life. i hate guys, they are terrible. well i hate him, he makes me feel terrible. all i do is complain about him, and i hate it. this is the last time i will talk about him in my journal. anyway, steph called me today.. it's good talking to her because she just lets me blab to her ahah and she loves it. and she's always on my side.. it's cute. i miss her. i wish she was here today :( my mom said my outfit was "innapropriate". i don't know how it's innapropriate.. it's just a off the shoulder t-shirt i cut and a tank top under it with my jeans & converse.. she said that i'm not her daughter because "my daughter would be wearing a cute outfit with peddle pushers and a ruffley shirt" !!!!!! SHE ACTUALLY SAID THAT! haaaahaaaa she's gonna make me start dressing her way again probably.. but yeah.. the party was oooooookay. i'm bored & i think i'm gonna go play my guitar. i'm depresseddd today. i wish i had someone to hang out with or hug or kiss or cuddle or hold hands. blaaaaaah. OH MAN! they're playing brown eyed girl outside, i gotta go dance! that's my song... 4 dying in new brunswick

[30 May 2004|01:47am] take a look at me now... dying in new brunswick

this is a long, angry post. sorry... [30 May 2004|04:07am] [ mood | done ] hmm yeah so i haven't updated in a couple days because i decided to leave byafallingbomb in the dust. i got so aggravated that night and got so angry and decided to change the password to it and everything. well let me start from thursday... thursday: janice dropped me off at mike's bus stop, cause we were suppose to hang out because he had imed me earlier in the week (after i'd blocked him and cut off all ties with him, after a month) and he told me i can have my box back. the box is this little heart shaped box i made for him last year on valentines day.. his favorite candy is starbursts (the red and pink ones) so i bought like 3 bags of starbursts and picked out the red & pink ones and put them in there. and on the front it says i love you, which i drew.. well stenciled on.. and on the inside it says "mikey & becki 4-29" that i stenciled too. ummm he never gave me anything for valentines and kinda stood me up last year on valentines day so i just kept the box and filled it with stuff about him throughout the year. then one day he came over & took it.. yeah so he had it, and it had all my stuff about him in there. like notes i'd write to myself.. dates of our first kiss, special things he did for me (which were few... but still) and movie tickets... etc. so he said he'd give me the box back.. cause i'd been fighting him for it. so anyway, i was at his bus stop.. he got off the bus and he seemed happy to see me.. i guess.. and i of course was overjoyed like always. but i'm stupid.. umm yeah and then we went to his house and hung out there for a while.. fell alseep. blah blah blah. kissed. blah blah blah. dumb stuff. blah blah blah. then i got to read the letter... i'll post it when i get it back from steph, but like he was like "i'm sorry for never saying "i love you baby" and that stuff cause i know you like that..." and i was like grrrrrrr. and it said like how he doesn't deserve me, how he fell in love with me and how he just wish it could go back to the way it was and whatever. and me being stupid, gave him the benefit of the doubt because he seemed to have changed. but i was wrong like always.. anyway, that night jess drove me home... he walked me half way up to the door cause it was raining or whatever. then i knock on the door and my cousin makes me go around the apartments (mind you it was pouring) and i got soaked. got inside, she kept screaming at me like always.. so i was like fuck this and i left. i walked to stephs (mind you it's now pouring a million times worse, and thundering and lightning) cause no one stopped me. so i got there, her mom was pissed like always. slept there.. we talked.. friday: then she went to school the next day and i woke up when she came home haha.. right so then her mom comes home on her break and she goes to me.. "becki, i want you to go home" & i was like.. what the heck?? i didn't do anything..and she was so mean... she was never like that to me before. i was about to cry.. but then i ran upstairs.. pretended to get ready to leave and then she left. so i stayed. then i called mike, cause he asked me to goto the beach with him the night before, cause I QUOTE: "i know you like the beach at night", right so i called him and he was like yeah i'm not going it's raining and i don't feel good etc etc, and i was like... well steph's mom like kicked me out so can i come over? just to like come over.. and he was like pissed off that i asked.. and whatever. so i told him i'd call him back. then i was like.. well i have no where to go.. so i called him back and i was like "are you mad i'm coming over?" and he was like "BECK YOU BETTER NOT BE ANNOYING, GOD, IM GONNA BE SLEEPING THE WHOLE TIME, SO JUST, UGH.." and he was getting pissed. and i was like "well are you mad?" and he was like "yeah i am." and i was like ughhhhh so i told him i'd come later. and then later he calls me back and says we ARE going to the beach. so then steph's dad came, dropped me off there and he was a jerk as soon as i walked in. so then we left.. him and his sister jess and we went to dawns.. waiting for melissa for like an hour, and they never came.. so on our way driving to a&p.. he was saying about how he smokes and i was like "mike i thought you stopped?" and he was like no.. so i got really quiet (because when i'm mad i just shut my mouth totally cause i know if i get mad, he gets mad, then he gets mad at me and screams) so he was like BECK ARE YOU MAD? HOW CAN YOU BE MAD? and i swear to god i wanted to turn around and punch him in the face. so i went on about how it was discusting. then later on we went to a&p again and i saw my dad.. and i almost had a heart attack, because i haven't seen him in so long.. and now he's living in old bridge.. that's bad.. and so i was about to cry... already upset cause of mike. AND THEN HE HAS THE NERVE TO SMOKE! i didn't even look at him the whole time, and i leaned all the way to the opposite side as i could. i was so mad and upset. and he didn't even care. he kept trying to say some crap to me and i kept ignoring him like he wasn't there because I JUSTTTTTT got done talking about how upset smoking makes me and he has the nerve to smoke RIGHT NEXT TO ME! but anyway.. we went to pick up steve.. then they ALL started smoking again and i was pissed off because 1) it smells horrible, 2) they looked stupid, and 3) i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it x a million. so we got to danielles house.. and she has a girlfriend.. which no one told me about so i was like "oh...right", i'm not homophobic duh, i mean it was just weird cause i didn't even know danielle was into girls and no one told me. okay so anyway, everyone was smoking again and i wanted to die. finally got there, and we had to walk so far to get there. mike kept walking in front of me and that pissed me off. and he smelt like crap because of the cigarettes. and so we walked with them. they played crane games, then me and mike wondered off, hardly talked because i was mad/we have absolutely nothing in common anymore. searched for gay psychic. whatever. then we met up with them again, went on the beach. it was cold and freezing. i got wet up to my upper thighs because mike wanted me to go in there with him. i was kinda mad cause i was standing alone and he ignored me. it was already kinda chilly out and my pants were soaked so i was freezing and uncomfortable. my feet were sandy, and i only had my slip on shoes. it's not a big deal, but the fact that i'm scared of crabs and crap biting my feet, it was a big deal. it was so dark and scary, and he just kept walking in front of me. it made me so mad. i wanted to cry. then he's like WHAT'S WRONG BECK? I KNOW THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG, JUST TELL ME. i wanted to say WHAT'S WRONG IS THAT YOU'RE A FUCKING ASSHOLE AND I HATE YOU MORE THEN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW. sorry.. i'm just really upset. but anyway, we went to eat.. hugest bucket of cheese fries.. we were okay there, except for the fact that i was so angry, but hid it. i just kept saying "i'm tired..." cause i looked like i was about to cry (i don't scream or yell when i get mad, i cry..) so he was like "oh." right. then we headed on our way home, and i tried starting a conversation, that didn't work of course cause he doesn't listen/care about what i have to say. then they started talking about weed and he was like OHHH blah blah and so i closed my ears and kept walking. then they talked about BONGS and he got all interested and started talking and talking about bongs and i put my hands over my ears again and kept walking. then later melissa decided to get dressed in the middle of the street, gross. i saw her ass, didn't want to. had a talk with steve, which wasn't that bad... except for he's a big pothead now which is gay and makes me very sad. everyone from high school is a big pothead/loser. makes me sad... anyway... i was so tired so i was leaning on mike and he seemed pissed off that i was leaning on him. and i wanted to say IF I WAS TOUCHING YOUR LEG OR SOME BULLSHIT you'd be happy. stupid asshole. but he was like pushing me off him, and i was like uuuughhhh. he doesn't even let me lean on him... then steph called and she was having problems.. her dad got kicked out of his house, and her and her sister anna and her dad were all at her dad's friends house. so i was worrying about that. finally got home, mike didn't walk me to the door, he was too busy talking to all the girls. so i was running up to the door crying, then they told me to go around again, so i walked around to get to the back door of my aunts and i cried as i walked in. sat there, cried more thinking about how much i hate mike for all of this. and why do i get treated bad. and why do people not like me. why did i get cheated on. why doesn't he care about me. why doesn't any body care about me in that way. why do guys not like me. what am i doing wrong. and it went on.. there's some people that i never want to see in my life & i think mike is one of them. sunday: didn't get up till FOUR in the afternoon. then carol, janice, patty, jose, melchesidek, all decided they wanted to go out to family dinner. so we went to ruby tuesdays. i haven't eaten much in the last couple of days because i'm trying to lose weight and i ate it up there. we had some laughs, i got sad though. oh yeah i forgot to mention, before we went out i called mike to see if steph called him, cause i waited for steph to call and she didn't... so yeah i asked him and oh yeah.. when he picked up the phone he was like "what" in a pissy voice. then i heard steph didnt call (i'm worried.. where are you??) and then i was like.. why didn't you mention me in your journal? and he was like "cause i didn't tell jill yet." and that was the icing on the cake. so there you go mike, go fuck yourself. you want to hide me before your stupid freshmen ex girlfriend of 5 days, go ahead and do that. make sure you forget me about me too, cause i'll be doing that with you shortly. so yeah anyway, after dinner we went to cold stone, but the line was out the door so we searched for some other ice cream place. went to this place called ralph's further up rt 9. it was some crappy little cream ice place. it looked about 100 years old. but yeah... me & my cousin scott ordered chocolate ice cream & i ordered cookie dough ice cream (they didn't have mint chip boo) and the girl gave us CREAM ICE. it was like watered down ice cream. it was discusting, so we were like hey we ordered ICE CREAMMM. and she was like oohhh okay.. so she ACTUALLY PUT THE CREAM ICE BACK!!!!!!!!! GROSS!!!!!!! we ate some and she put it back with the rest of it!#I*!)(#i ajsdlkasdjkasdI!O@H!UJ3!!!!!! but the ice cream was good, it was prolly half eaten by someone else too haha. but yeah.. then the drug me and scott to target. we just looked at cds and HILARY DUFFFF stuff. it was stupid. he wound up getting the senses fail cd for nothing. but anyway i asked them to take me home (which was 30 minutes away from said location) and they put up a fit, screamed at me the whole way there. but i got home. i love being home. i miss my mom.. she's sleeping though. i was sad all night. i wore so much make up today (first picture), then i washed my face and had none (middle picture).. yeah i know i look like crap.. sorry.. and then the third picture i was taking pictures and i was crying? i dunno i'm sad. upset. angry. and confused. why do i keep getting treated like this? i wish i had someone who wouldn't do this to me.. it's either them or me. and if it's me i wish i knew what i was doing wrong. i'm not like pretty enough or something. i know i sound so cliche when i say that, but seriously.. i don't know what i'm missing. someone please tell me, please be honest. tomorrow is my moms big party and i don't feel like hanging out in my bathing suit all day because i'm discusting. blah goodnight. P.S.: my new screen name is xbarelylegalo, sorry for everyone who got afraid by what my post was. i'm sorry... 1 dying in new brunswick

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